That song by Rush, “New World Man”…it makes you look forward to working for a living; changing the world through being in the working world.  I don’t know if that is my path.  But I do know for now what is not my path.  And it is not doing healing work full time.  In that blatant way when literally I remain here at home fielding calls and emails and such for the most part, it is through for now.

And I am so so glad that I did start the Indiegogo campaign to see if it may be my time, to see if I’d be supported financially to continue the work.  But you know, I contacted hundreds of people.  And in the first 36 hours I raised $750 and it was looking and feeling good.  But since that first surge, all the momentum and energy ran out.  Traditionally, on Indiegogo, if a campaign is only at $750 out of $30,000 by day 7-it isn’t happening.  Besides that logic there is just the energetic dynamic of crickets chirping.  When you can feel them chirping, it’s time to let the dream sleep for a while.

For me, I see things as obstacles first.  I see them and say “hmmm…do I want to get over this or past this?” If the answer is yes, then I make the attempt.  But if the all out attempt generates no change, I surrender to what is.  At that point I no longer see the obstacle as a barrier to what I want.  I align with the fact that it is a guardrail on the road of my life.  It becomes a protective lovely thing on the curve that says “Hey Charlie…go this way now, it isn’t supposed to be different than this.”  So, I go for it first…and it either dissolves or becomes a pointer on where to go next.

Resolution is lovely.  In a life like the way I experience things, resolution about how to approach the material world is actually rather exciting.  If life says “you must go now and find a well paying job and no longer do healing full time”  that is honestly rather exciting.  And I honestly do see myself as a servant, or of service through my healing work.  Life has just let me know that currently my services are not to reach beyond a small number of people.  And after all…isn’t that how I feel it is supposed to be anyway?  Small numbers…close in work, where I am able to really focus with whomever I am with.  Having a job, doesn’t interfere with that.

Who knows what it will look like for me.  Healing work is a joy for me.  And honestly I want to keep it that way and feel like life is supporting me in that.  Ironically, having to go out and find a job, for the purpose of making money, makes me able to offer healing work at no cost in an even more honest way.  It is one thing to say there is no charge for the work when you can barely financially survive.  That borders on irresponsibility, if you are raising kids and if you are ME.  And it is another thing to not charge for the work and know that you are financially supported regardless of what the client donates or does not donate.  With outside employment I can give more freely.  And that is a relief.

And on the non “positive” sounding and honest side of things, I would lie if I said it wasn’t disappointing.  It “was”.  It isn’t now, or yesterday.  But days 2.5-7 were filled with disappointment.  Even though I so appreciated how much those that gave, in fact gave…I was also faced with many people offering nothing.  It was interesting to see.  People who had told me that the work they did with me was the most beautiful healing they had experienced in their lives…gave nothing.  And honestly, for the sake of this campaign, I allowed myself to have the expectation that people would give something to the cause…at least at the $5 level.  What I experienced instead was that some even refused to share the link to the campaign.  I received plenty of energetic resistance to the fact that I offer work at no cost.  For many of my acquaintances and friends who I contacted are struggling to find a way to make a living as a healer.  And there I was going in the seemingly opposite direction.  What I was doing must surely have seemed to the beginning of a way of being that could undermine the way that they are trying to support their lives.  The thing that surprised me the most though, to be blunt…were the millionaires.  I have worked with many very wealthy people.  And the strangest thing I have experienced, is that the wealthiest people, without exception, offer the least in donations-usually zero.  It was the same with this campaign.  It is “almost” always the poorest clients I have worked with that feel compelled to donate the most.  I admit that what I feel called to do is a bit strange.  It is very much like trying to have a monk’s lifestyle, with no religious order or contributions from followers to back it up.  I don’t charge.  I do not ask for donations in exchange for sessions.  But I know if I came across someone else doing what I was doing as a campaign, I would be so excited to share.

I also emailed a lot of people in the world of spiritual emergence.  People who have written books about Kundalini and spiritual crisis.  I really thought that not only would they be excited to see that someone out here is specifically working with those that they are describing in their books that need support…but that they would be happy to help spread the word about the healing I offer.  There wasn’t a way for me to not be disappointed when I received only one email back out of all that I emailed.

It did teach me that no matter how much disappointment I went through, that common ground is not what it seems.  I am constantly surprised at how not open people are.  It is wild.  The amount that people do not respond to simple kindness is startling.  I hope to always be startled by this phenomenon.  For I wish to always presume I will be received with kindness, as that is what I always presume to offer to others.

All I know is that as long as I barely have any money, I feel relieved to just go and find a job.  Let the sessions just be sessions in an honest response to my calling.  And let my working life where I earn money be just that as well.

The only qualifier I am holding out for, in terms of employment, is to accept a job where I am able to telecommute, which leaves me free to get my kids off to school, and pick them up after school and to work with clients during the day when possible.