I have been writing in The Book. It has been quite the process. My experience of it is on more levels at once than I thought possible. I have never taken more care with my words, nor considered longer what impact words actually have in our world. Really, there are no casual words. Every word is spoken or written with such nuance. There are no small things. The most surprising thing to me is how hard it is to write down what is there to be written. It feels like what I am attempting to pierce through, has a life of its own. The ways that I am asked to recontextualize culture and societal norms…it is as if these are pushing right back against articulation. It feels like stabbing at fog with a flashlight. At each chapter what I thought I was going to say, is not at all what I am saying. It is coming out completely differently than I had hoped or planned. And what is written, while being written, when made through me, makes my heart race. I have to take breaks and go sit outside and shake out my hands. I have to breathe and calm down.
To write this is to be open to being shown connections I never had a clue about. And so, it is like being in a session. For those who have experience Night School via Kundalini Awakenings…it is like that. As soon as I sit to type I am the empty vessel that becomes full of what I didn’t just know. And just because it moved through me, doesn’t mean I know it then either. No. It just means that something very large is passing through someone very small and I hang on for the ride. I am just making notes with information that I will have to spend time integrating for quite some time.
Palpitations from 2 or 3 sentences. Not what I expected. It’s working on me, that is for sure.
As with all the books I have written, published and unpublished-and poems-in the beginning, middle and end, it is for my healing that the book happens. It only takes the illusion that others will benefit from it to get it written. Then the book gets tucked away in some quiet alley of the internet, unobtrusive and unseen.
But I think I will do something different with this one. I am actually going to go the route of seeking publication on a large scale and likely keep it up until it happens.
I have dreamed of this book since I was very young. Well, rather I dreamed of a different world, since I was very young. I just had no idea how on Earth I could be a part of it, or what would be needed. My role made no sense. I began this book because I finally felt ready, my role had made sense to me for 5 years in a crystal clear way. But as I am writing, naturally, I am being shown what is next…and it isn’t what I have been doing, it is showing me what I will be doing. And like I said, that isn’t what I had planned on…but okay.